Today was a really long day — long but productive. Everyone but two of my team mates is out of the office. So it’s really really quiet and I just sit there and work and listen to music.
I worked till about 8pm tonite on some projects at work which I need to have finished for when David gets back from Europe. I left the office feeling good. Content, really. The work I’m doing right now is reall good, and it’s showing me that I’m actually a talented and creative guy. I don’t toot my own horn or anything — but I’m pleased with the work i’m doing, and at the rate I’m doing it. Typically creative stuff has to be flushed out of me — and that’s not a quick process. But this week, things have been coming quickly, which is good, becuase I have a lot to do.
So I drove home at a leisurely pace, no traffic to deal with for once. I had some music on, quiet — nothing blaring — and I reflected on where I am in my life, where I was a year ago — where I was 5 years ago — and just why I am where I am.
I’m one of the people who believes that everything happens for a reason. I’m not saying that things are set in stone or anything — but I think there are things we need to learn or to receive in life (or give even) and certain people are put in our path to fulfill those roles — be it a friend, a job interview, a cop who gives you a ticket — all those things … they need to happen for a reason.
I’ve been thinking about The Boy today … as well as a number of ex’s. Taking time to think why I ever dated the people I did made me realize that I learned a lot from them. Let’s see — in summary — some things I’ve learned … I’ll even attribute who I learned it from.
Ryan: don’t go along with a situation if you aren’t happy. You know deep down when something isn’t working. If it doesn’t work, say something. There’s no point in wasting your time and his time if you’re not into it 100%. Additionally, don’t think you know how to heal someone. Helping hands are one thing, but playing Jesus is quite different. People have to learn to grieve in their own way, on their own time. Any consequences that come from their grieving are theirs to deal with — not yours — and it is not your place to try to remove them from that experience.
The Boy: I’m still learning lessons from this experience. Let’s see. Love is a beautiful thing. It should be respected and prized. Because there is ONE ultimate love — one who will never compare to any body else. And finding him is not an easy feat. And … sometimes he finds you.
Logan: Geez, this could be a book here. The most important thing I learned from Logan was not to take things/people for granted. Expressing your feelings, desires, and (especially) concerns is really important for any type of relationship, particularly a romantic relationship. I was in a really bad place in my life when I met Logan. I was quite broken in a number of ways — and he seemed to jus sweep everything up and put a band-aid on it. I have to admit that I would not be where I am today if i had not met him. I don’t know if he loved me (he said he did). But he sure took care of me, nurtured me even. And that wasn’t his place to have to do that. And I, of course, became way to attached to having someone pamper me. And when things ended, he was quite mean and hurtful. And from that I also learned that when there is a goodbye, there is a clear line that says “move on.” Thinking they’re going to magically change their mind is rediculous and only leas to more heartache. I also learned that you eventually have to forgive and forget or it will tear you down. That took me a long time to learn.
Matt: Hmm. I learned that you can’t make someone love you, regardless of your feelings and efforts. Desire and intention do NOT equal experience and dedication. Lots of things come in to making a relationship work. Communication, honesty, sincerity … those are things that should be there. However, looking at my relationships in the past, I can say that (with everyone) at least one of those aspects has been missing.) And I’m not saying it was the other person who was lacking. I also learned that being angry about a situation is normal — but dwelling on it, letting it fester, will make you grow to hate that person. Break ups are hard. Break ups put distance between you and the other person (usually permenant). But sometimes there’s already distance there, and it just falls into its natural state, regardless of intention.
I’m still learning from these things. I wish they weren’t always such difficult lessons. And I wish they could be learned some other way, preferrably NOT in retrospect. But I guess you live and learn — and love and learn. I’m happy with who I am — with the things I’m learning, and the experiences I’m having. I don’t regret the decisions I’ve made … they’ve made me who I am today — not perfect, not even filled-in completely — but I’m an honest person, and I say what I mean, and I treat others the way I feel they deserve to be treated. And in the long run, I’m proud of who I am. And I keep on with the idea that everything happens for a reason: love, heartache, kisses, hugs, and traffic tickets.