I did a lot of thinking today about a number of things. I do that a lot it seems. Just take time to myself to sort through stuff, figure out my direction, evaluate where I am, what I’m doing, where I’m going, what I want, what I don’t want.

So I spent the day in my apartment — and I even cooked a lasagna. I thought about everything that has happened to me in the last 6 months. New job, boyfriend came, boyfriend gone, quite a few rock chips in my windshield, closer relationships with friends, unexpected turns in friendships — both good and bad, hurricane Katrina, increasing oil costs … so many stressful things. So much … life.

And that’s really what everything is about. Life. I mean, what would we do without fairly significant events that happen to us? We’d get so bored. Yah, sure, the financial toll is rough. But it makes us use our brains to figure out how to get around that stuff. We have to strategize and move those chess pieces around to still come out on top. And some of the time, we don’t. In fact, I’d say it’s always a 50/50 shot. And it just sucks to hell when we lose.
But ya know what I realized today?

I don’t know what I want. And what’s more — I don’t really want to know what I want. I’m tired of looking at things for what I want them to be. Because I do that and it becomes damn hard to see what they really are. And why not just take it for what it is? There’s the real value. The real investment. I don’t want to invest in “futures.” I want to invest in the here and nows. Futures are built on here and nows.

I thought a lot about the victims of Hurricane Katrina today. About all the death that happened. How it must have caught them by surprise, the lack of resources, the fear, the sorrow. And I can’t even begin to imagine what it must have been like. I haven’t gone to volunteer to help, to work with the evacuees. I haven’t taken them clothing or worked at the dome. I’ve heard a lot of people who have. Some who did it to help, some to eleviate their personal guilt. I guess the reason doesn’t really matter as long as it happens.

With that being said — I did donate to the Red Cross. If you are interested in donating to something, here is a good list of different places, including the Red Cross, who would be happy to assist you.

I hope that these people feel they have found hope, help, and solace in our communities. I hope that their grief is a minimal as possible, and that their future can be rebuilt through the love and charity of loving human beings.