I love social commentary. And I love panning people. But I HATE Patti LuPone. I mean, just her name is precocious. Can’t be Patty — has to be Patti with an i. Can’t be Lupone — has to be LuPone, because you know … Lu is a normal written article in so many languages. Maybe in the language Fat.

I used to like Fatty LuPone in her early days. Her recording of The Baker’s Wife is fantastic. Even her role of Fantine in Les Mis wasn’t bad. But it all went downhill from there — like one endlessly spiralling warble. Oh wait, no — my bad. That was just her live rendition of I Dreamed a Dream.

And then let’s not forget her outstanding role as Momma Corky in that one show … oh, what was it called — with the dog, and the Beatles song … Life Goes On?

Well, it went on just a little too long. No wonder that girl (the daughter girl) went on to do Lifetime movies… Speaking of which — has anyone seen that poor girl’s website: http://www.traceyneedham.com/. Wow, talk about a crime against humanity. Fan sites can just be creepy … I mean, who says this: THANK YOU TRACEY FOR BRINGING SOME MORE JOY INTO THIS WORLD !!!

It’s true. She’s the Christ-child. But I digress… there are bigger (and fatter) stars to discuss here.

Fatty did show some sparkle of hope in the DVD of Sweeny Todd, playing Mrs. Lovett. And now she’s on Broadway (now we know why it’s called the Great Wide Way) (ok, it’s not really. it’s the Great White Way, but i can’t make a joke out of that now, can i?)

So what has she ever done me wrong that causes me to be so painfully sour? She released a cd that was total shit that I bought that only had one good song in it, that was probably only amusing to me because it said “nipple clamps” in it. And now — now, she’s releasing yet another album with songs that are almost as old as she is.

I wish her the best of luck and that it goes over well so that she can retire and quit making awful cds.