CategoryStories

Question 1:

What was it like when you two first met?
Was early December — kind’a chilly outside. I’d gone to Guava Lamp on whim — threw on this old tent my mother had bought in the Netherlands a few years before and a hat that didn’t match. I was meeting friends there, the same usual, needy, self-involved group.
It was fairly crowded that night, and we’d gathered around the front curve of the bar, in front of the jungle of wires they call the karaoke monitor. Smoky and loud, I was feeling kind’a sick from the mixture of smoke and overly-sweet milk-based cocktails. We didn’t really talk that much because it was so loud — but it was Christmasy-feeling and everyone was in a pleasant, stable mood. I remember how we’d make social comments on the drab fashion that was gracing the bar.
I remember seeing him at the corner of the bar, thought he was cute — our eyes met, but I quickly continued back to the off-pitch fat girl emoting “Killing Me Softly.” His eyes didn’t leave me. I’d look back everyone in a while, and he was still there. He eventually introduced himself to our group of friends — him and his friend, Laslo.
I was in the back corner, kept to myself as usual. And he went around the group separatly making formalities.

To Clay: “Hi, are you always this plastic?”
Clay: *gasp* “…”

Then he moved on to me. Stopped in front of me, set down his martini, looked me at the eyes and said:

To Me: “… Will you marry me? …”
Me: “When did you have in mind?”
To Me: “When’s your birthday?”
Me: “The 16th — why you gonna make it a gift?”

He asked for my number that night. Never a name, although he knew it before. I left that night feeling alive. A big smirk on my face. He was beautiful. And I was wearing a huge bright blue tent with non-matching hat.
And that is what it was like when we met: Intense. And every day of the next four months was equally as moving as the first day.

Prince Adam’s Big Adventure, Part One

Once upon a time, Prince Adam embarked on a grand adventure to visit his distant friend, Father Michael. The two friends had not met face to face in many years. Father Michael was a religious man, to be sure, and guided his flock of devoted followers in the ways of Lehi and the Grand Nagus.
Prince Adam assigned his best slaves to the task of assembling a caravan for the journey. Foods and trinkets from his native land in the Sonoran Desert were stocked, camels were prepared for the long journey, and a small harem of barely legal boys- a gift for Father Michael.
The trek began in the waning days of winter. The blowing desert wind carried a chill and left many of the entourage longing for chapstick and hot cocoa, but they pushed through the difficulty and eventually emerged into the Valley of the Shadow of Death, where Father Michael lived.
Descending through the thickly forested mountainside, Prince Adam halted the caravan at the sight of a grove of coconuts. One particular coconut tree looked almost as though it were beckoning to him, and on that very tree, one particular coconut looked especially beautiful. Prince Adam’s best tree-climbing slave climbed the tree and fetched the coconut, after which they continued into the city below.
Father Michael heard a rap at the door. Ashamed of his nudity, he quickly covered himself in his priestly robes and shouted, “Just a moment!” He pulled at the heavy brass door handle and nearly fell back when he saw the smirking face of Prince Adam waiting there to greet him.
Prince Adam clapped and said, “Michael! It is so good to see you!” They exchanged gang signs appropriate to the Valley of the Shadow of Death and embraced. “I come bearings gifts of the bounty of the Sonoran lands and ask for nothing but your company in return.” Father Michael welcomed the prince into his home and the two sat and spoke for hours, sharing stories and playing innumerable games of rock, paper, scissors.
At last Father Michael became impatient and steered the conversation back to the gifts of which the prince had spoken. “Oh, yes yes!” Adam replied, and snapped his fingers at his best gift-fetching slave. Moments later he returned with the coconut, which still seemed to shimmer in the light.
“The first of my many gifts,” Adam began, “is not from my land, but rather from yours. Its beauty was so overwhelming that I could not resist bringing it for you to enjoy.” Father Michael gasped and said, “Prince! You have been fortunate enough to discover a very rare Enchanted Coconut!”
Raising an eyebrow quizzically, Prince Adam took the Enchanted Coconut in his hands. “Truly? Tell me more.”
Father Michael took the Enchanted Coconut and walked to the kitchen. “Let me show you, instead.” He removed a RonCo Coconut Cracker

The Turid Saga and Demise of Cornelius (Part 1)

Four days its been since I was admitted to the hospital for the removal of Cornelius, my beloved and detested kidney stone. I’ve now returned to work with eager anticipation to get on with my life and get past the urethral irritation and constant need to pee.
I went to the Hospital at 11:30 to get an X-ray of my abdomen so they could see where my stone was to work up the best procedure for extraction. There it was, in plain site, a one centimeter stone lodged in the upper part of my ureter (that’s the tube that connects the kidney and the bladder). At least it was visible and not hidden by some bone or piece of shit like last time.
While I was waiting for a copy of the X-rays, an old woman and her daughter walked by with a nurse and they were discussing the two casts on the old womans fingers. Turns out she was laying in bed sleeping, and her hand fell off the bed and into a metal fan. Broke both fingers. I couldn’t imagine the feeling, much less the sound that accompanied that.
So I’m finally admitted and told to trip strip down to my skibbies and get in bed. Naked and clad only in a piece of paper I laid in room that was cordoned off by privacy curtains. For some reason the room smelt kind’a like burnt popcorn and that weird disinfectant stuff they use at hospitals (for some reason I don’t think they use PineSol and saw dust to cover up vomit like they did at school.) The nurse came in and asked me the usual 20 questions “do you have an allergies to medications? do you have a history of diabetes in your family? blah blah blah.” Then she caught me off guard. “Are you wearing in finger nail polish?” I did a double take — “what?” “Are you wearing finger nail polish?” and she grabs my hands and looks. I was laughed and quiestly said no. Then she’s like “Any piercings?” as she looked towards my crotch and I laughed again and said no to which she responded “not into that sorta thing, I guess.” I was like “sorry.”

The Princess and the Jellybean

Michael: tell me a story
Michael: so i can sleep well.
Adam: hmmm
Adam: a story
Michael: /snuggles up to adam.
Michael: yah.
Michael: a story.
Michael: about a princess
Michael: and some jelly beans
Adam: lol 😉
Adam: once upon a time
Adam: there was an evil ogre
Michael: lol
Adam: who owned a jellybean factory
Michael: 🙂
Adam: the jellybeans he made were disgusting
Adam: flavored mostly like earwax
Adam: but some were passion fruit flavored
Adam: because he liked that
Adam: all of the villagers bought his jellybeans because he threatened to eat them if they didn’t
Adam: and they were all very sad
Adam: what with the earwax taste and all
Michael: 🙁
Adam: one day, the princess of the land came to visit from her castle afar
Adam: and she saw the villagers were quite sad
Michael: 🙁
Adam: one little boy sat crying
Adam: and she said
Michael: :'(
Adam: “little boy, why is everyone so sad?”
Adam: and he said nothing, but held out a hand of yellowish-gold colored jelly beans
Adam: the princess smiled and said, “Thank you” as she took one and ate it
Adam: and the boy was very respectful
Adam: even as the princess vomited on his shoes
Michael: lol
Adam: “what vile candy is this?!” screamed the princess
Adam: the boy wiped some of the vomit from his face and said, “They’re from the ogre”
Adam: and pointed down to the valley where the ogre lived
Adam: the princess huffed and said, “Well, this simply won’t do” and mounted her white horse and headed for the ogre’s house
Adam: meanwhile, in a galaxy far far away, han solo was encased in carbonite
Michael: lol
Michael: wait wait
Adam: the princess arrived at the ogre’s castle
Michael: lol
Adam: what?
Adam: 😀
Michael: that wasn’t part of the story.
Michael: you made that up
Adam: yes it was!
Michael: ok . . .
Michael: go on.
Adam: the princess discovered the castle
Michael: the jellybean castle?
Adam: but the doors were locked and no one would answer when she shouted and knocked at the door
Adam: but then she saw smokestacks behind a grove of trees
Adam: puffing away
Adam: and the awful smell that came with them told her she was near the source of the disgusting cand
Adam: y
Adam: she carefully made her way through the trees and discovered a factory
Adam: protected by ogre magick
Michael: booo
Adam: which, as everyone knows, is the worst magick of all
Michael: definitely
Adam: every time the princess would attempt to open the door
Adam: the ogre magick would force her to flatulate
Michael: lol
Adam: the princess would not have this
Adam: but she couldn’t find a way in
Adam: she mounted her horse
Adam: and tried to ram through the door
Adam: but equine flatulence was worse than her own, and she promptly passed out
Michael: lol
Adam: when she finally came to, she returned to the village
Adam: when she found the little boy
Adam: she said, “I’m sorry, this shit is too much,” and her entourage abandoned the villagers and returned to her glorious castle where they only ate jelly belly jellybeans, and not the ogreish type
Adam: the end.

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