I can’t believe it’s almost the end of the year. Time is going by at an insanely rapid pace. And someone, it seems, forgot to read the obligatory “Please keep hands, feet, and limbs inside the car at all times until the car comes to a complete stop” announcement. Seems like the last month has been a bundle of bumps — and really, all I want to do is crawl back under the covers and sleep for a bit.
30 is just around the corner for me. I haven’t given the idea of turning 30 a whole lot of thought … I mean, it seems that 30 is like early retirement, some sort of social stigma. You are now included in the 30-39 age bracket on personal ads, and people specify that they are looking for 29 and under. But at the same time — 30 brings “maturity” and is like the prime of my career, right? Right? RIGHT!? (Looking for validation here, people.)
I recently ended a relationship with a certain guy who was very nice and treated me well. There’s some lingering guilt because I wasn’t as vested in it as he was — and it was becoming rather evident that he was becoming more and more serious. I just wasn’t ready for it. And so I decided friends would be better — which has that magical translation of “don’t ever talk to me again,” because that’s exactly what has happened. He has nothing to do with me. I hate having to hurt people. But at the same time, I didn’t really feel it was fair to him. So there you have it.
And now I’m single again — and as much as I hate it, and as much as I don’t understand it — I still have this inner-feeling like I need to be with someone. And I hate it. Because the only people I want are either taken or not interested. Not that makes any difference whatsoever — because the point of it all is that I don’t belong in a relationship at all.
I sorta miss the friendships I had in college where we’d do everything together and truly enjoyed each other’s company — with no physical involvement at all. It was no bullshit. None of were in a committed relationship — we just hung out and did stuff. And i REALLY miss that. REALLY miss having that person to pal around with.
I bought a cat instead.
Not that he’ll pal around with me. But he lurves me and depends on me. So he (Kidaj) is my new make-believe boyfriend. At least he watches TV and pretends to understand what is happening.
Let’s see … I got all my Christmas shopping finished before Halloween and I’ve been wrapping gifts ever since. Almost done. And … if you don’t get a gift from me this year, well … well, I guess you shouldn’t have been such a bitch, huh. 😛
Anyway — i think this post has turned someone cynical, so i think i should stop now before it gets worse. 😛
Will write again soon …