It seems that within the past two weeks or so, a certain ex of mine (who I will refer to as Lame-Obstentacious-Gaudy-Asshole-Narcassist — or L.O.G.A.N for short) has been coming up in conversations and/or dreams. I saw a picture of him on the internet — I see his name in weird places online that have nothing to do with him. So of course, he has been in my thoughts.
And I look back in deep contemplation, thinking about how happy and content I was with him — and how I politely overlooked some of his rather irritating traits and obsessions. And it’s rather obvious to me that I was in a position at that time where I needed his lift up, because things were kind’a shitty for me at the time. I ignored a lot of red flags … and I was content in my haven of him.
But, pejorative comments aside, I find myself thinking about him, thinking about how he made me feel when we were together, and thinking about how much my feelings for him have changed because i focused on the salamagundi of emotion that I had allowed him to create in me. And because of that, I imagine that my perception of him was vitiated because I was hurt — although his lack of tact didn’t help resolve our situation.
All in all — despite the reprehensible aftermath — I enjoyed my time with him — loved him very much. This is not saying that I want to have contact with him or have him in my life in any way other than a memory — but I think the time for constant negativity directed towards him has finally come to a halt. This way I can finally return to the decent, caring person I really am, and focus on more productive things.