Lunchtime during the week (when my normal lunch cohort is not available) usually consists of fast food. Today I decided to go to Taco Bell because it’s cheap, fast, and actually tastes pretty good (and with minimal side effects — wait — is it bad that we have to judge food by its after-effects? Sounds almost toxic.).

So I walk into a mostly empty Taco Bell and there are three people — a family — standing in line in front of me. I’m listening to the last half of their order and watching the youngest girl’s baby (and by youngest, I mean, I highly doubt she was 17). All of a sudden, the mother of the child says “oh, and I’d like the grandy special.” I was like “grandy?” and looked up at the menu to see grande. That, my friends, should have been a HUGE warning sign as what was to come.

So the three people: a grandmother with an inverted ass (as in, no ass, but a gargantuan foopa) and white-ass stick legs, her daughter with dyed red hair, sleeveless shirt and blue jean shorts, and her daughter — who as i mentioned couldn’t have possibly been 18 — in a giant shirt, blue jeans …. and pregnant — with a 1 year old sitting on the Taco Bell counter with legs that had been a giant buffet for a swarm of mosquitoes.

So I continue to wait in line … 5 minutes go by and I hear the mother say to the grandmother “But you said you’d pay half if we payed half.”

People. This is Taco Bell. Paying half is like dividing a penny. So she finally forks over the money, and it wasn’t enough — so in they go digging looking for change … pennies, nickels, dimes … and FINALLY – the sum of all sums is reached: $8.52.

So as I’m waiting in awe of what I’m witnessing, the mother of the child turns around and smiles at me and says “Sorry.” Now, I’ve seen some bad teeth. But good lord, I was afraid the mere breath she exhaled might knock a tooth loose. And the color of stained yellow could easily be the next new color by Crayon. I smile back at her just so she’d turn back around, and I notice in the mother’s back pocket (the mother of the mother of the child) — a can of tobacco. Chew, people. The woman with dyed red hair and blue jean shorts has a can of CHEW in her back pocket.

Just to put everything in perspective as to how long I waited to order — their $8.52 order was waiting for them when they finished paying. So off they trot to grab their food … and the mother has this gigantic mug thing. This is not Taco Bell fare — this is like Circle K fare. And we’re not talking Big Gulp. This had to of been at least 2 liters. AT LEAST. And she fills it up with ice and Dr. Pepper. I was seriously amazed — and at this point wanted to keep at least a 10 ft. distance lest the white-trashiness that wreaked from their misshapen bodies lept on to me and my teeth and hair instantly fell out.

So i sit at the opposite side of the restaurant — alone — and continued to watch in amazement — like watching animals in the wild — as they began feasting on the fine delicacies of Texas Mexican fast food. For a minute there, I could have sworn that the mother was devouring her young.

Then came the moment that I seriously almost intervened. The mother of the child began yelling at the child telling him to eat or she would spank him. So he’s crying by now, and HER mother has one arm on the child pulling, trying to make him eat — and his mother is trying to rip him from the (likely highly unsanitary) wooden Taco Bell high chair. She spanks him, and now he’s screaming like she’s ripped his arm off. She sets him in her lap and says — i swear to God — “If you don’t eat, I will make you eat.”

And of course, being a 1 year old, he didn’t eat, but continued to cry. So she took the taco and shoved it in his mouth. He continues to cry and tries to push the taco away — but the mother is persistent. Eventually the child turns beet red from the screaming and the mother, in frustration, puts the kid back in the highchair and tells him to shut up.

At that point I was wondering if I should call CPS — particularly since the young mother was pregnant again. But I figured I’d keep my peace (as by now there were other people in the restaurant) and leave.

And leave I did. Only to come here and write this.

So — in summary. Get an education. Use condems. See a dentist.

Thank you.