MonthFebruary 2006

The Joy of Genes

I was looking in the mirror this evening at my late-mid-twenties self and thinking, “bah, I’m walking that fine line where nature points and laughs and lets the shit really fly.” So here I am, bordering my 30s, and noticing a little that I no longer really look 24. Sad news. I’m not saying I look like ass or anything (I still give that another 10 months.)

But bleh — ya know, as you get older, your shit doesn’t quite work like it used to. Things start falling and falling out — hair thins and recedes — teeth freak the fuck out and do whatever the hell the want — your body starts making weird sounds and smells … and then the osteoporosis sets in, hips need replacing, and you start smelling like little old women or baby powder (which i never understood — but whatever).

So I’m looking in the mirror at my occasional gray hair and disappointing hairline, my skin that definitely needs a good exfoliant taken to it, my sad little teeth …

BUT — I’ve started a whole new regime and I’m going to be one hot fucker. I’ve started bleaching my teeth, and I’m getting the nastiness of my top teeth fixed on THURSDAY. I can’t wait. I haven’t smiled in years because of the forbidding shame of sadness.

Now all I need are some hair plugs, a good date with madame microdermabrasion, and some hot tight underwear to keep my ass in place and we’ll be just as good as 24.

I’m a Pro — a Lexapro

So I talked to my shrink today. Explained all my issues, woah is me, woah is me. We talked about my life, and whether my depression and general unhappiness is purely circumstantial, or truly symptoms of biplar disorder 2. My OTHER shrink and I discussed the problems in my life — or least the most topical problems that can surface in an hour. And we also talked about the circumstantial bullshit (like Yuna), and she mentioned that maybe the Lamictal just wasn’t enough – that perhaps I should add a mixer to my cocktail, like an anti-anxiety or anti-depression med.

And now I have. Lexapro. This seems to answer a lot of my problems. According to the website, here are some of the symptoms:

The most frequent side effects reported with Lexapro are nausea, insomnia, problems with ejaculation, somnolence, increased sweating, fatigue, decreased libido, and anorgasmia. Patients taking Lexapro typically have mild to moderate side effects which tend to go away with continued treatment.

Anorgasmia, people. I’ve never heard of it — but my general desire for … desire … has peaked, and I’m ready for that shit to be on its way. So hooray for decreased libido. Hooray for … uh … sweating. Hooray for … um. hmm. Problems ejaculating?

I took it this morning after my visit — so we’ll see what happens. I’ll keep you all posted on my ejaculatory problems and sweating.

Would You Like Some Carcass?

I was browsing on the internets tonite and came across an Amazon ad for Elk Carcass, and it was only like $1200. That’s 225 pounds of elk carcass (no hooves or antlers or anything … just um … dead elk.) There were two aspects to this that thoroughly amused me tho. 1.) Amazon says I can not only order it used, but I can sell my very own Elk Carcass. What wonders I find on the internets! And here I was fresh from my move with this monsterous Elk Carcass, and no room for it. What’s a boy to do?

But the thing that kills me are the comments. Here are a few of my favorite snippets:

Being somewhat a connoisseur of carcasses, I was at first dismayed at the mode of dress for this carcass, all trussed up in clean netting, defatted and with the tendons and ligiments removed, a form of carcass redacto absurdum run amok.

No matter what anyone says, you just can’t beat elk carcass. It’s the gift that keeps on giving, and when I say “giving” I mean two hundred and twenty five pounds (dead weight) of the finest animal tissue money can buy.

No matter what anyone says, you just can’t beat elk carcass. It’s the gift that keeps on giving, and when I say “giving” I mean two hundred and twenty five pounds (dead weight) of the finest animal tissue money can buy. By the way, this makes a Great wedding gift. what an impression you will make!

I know what you’re thinking: “I don’t really want to drop a grand at Amazon for carcass, but doggonit those oranges in the picture look GOOD!”

Well, friend… the oranges in the picture don’t come with the carcass. So as much as you might be tempted to max out the credit card for ELK CARCASS, give it some thought before adding it to your cart.

I say we all pitch and buy one when it becomes available again.

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