MonthJanuary 2006

Le sigh

It’s been a rough month, I do think. I didn’t think the year would start off like this. I had goals and planned sunshine. I still have goals, but my sun has effectively gone on strike – either that or I was horribly disillusioned or confused and planned my sunshine on a fading matchstick. Match — sun — whatever, close enough. I burn from both.

And this is where I get personal and gross, and Mom don’t worry about all this, it’s just me smooshing and getting it out. Things aren’t right. I keep getting this feeling that something is horribly wrong or disasterously out of place. I’ve had this feeling twice in the last year — the first was the day before Matt’s birthday (when I slaved in that kitchen all day for that unbelievably fucked up asshole.). I knew something was amiss, felt it in my gut — and sure as shit — it fell apart. The other time … two days before I took Miss Yuna to the vet. And I’m feeling a little freaky deaky about the gut.

I think what I did too Yuna has put me off a bit (well, more than I already was). I’m not quite the same as before, distracted by shiny objects and cake. Seriously tho … even tho I know what I did was the right decision for her — I feel like a terrible person for making the choice to take someone’s life. And I refer to Yuna as someone because … well, she was a better companion than any boyfriend. (Mind you, she was stuck with me by force – so. heh).

Yah, I’m doing the Lamcital, and it keeps me stable, or at least mutes the crazies. But I know things aren’t right. You know how some people, when they get depressed or stressed out, or emotionally fatigued — they’ll like freak out and binge like there’s no tomorrow — or go and spend all their money on clothes, or max out their credit cards — well — I have somethign I do as well. It’s not necessarily destructive, but I see the pattern when I’m fairly distressed.
I turn to musicals.

And shut up all of you who just laughed (and I know who you are, bitches.) (Quit laughing.) When I was a missionary and oh-so-terribly depressed, miserable, and neck deep in dispair, I turned to musicals for relief. I’m sure it was just because I could escape to somewhere else, feel someone else’s feelings, listen to someone else’s words and experiences.

And … I’ve found myself doing it again. Within the last week, I’ve broken out Sunset Blvd (with Fatty LuPone even! *gasp*!), Jekyll & Hyde, Aida, and now … the sign that there is really something wrong — Aspects of Love. *le sigh*

I have an appointment with a therapist on Friday to start getting this shit sorted out before I really become crazy.

*sigh* And now I just made a loaf (shut up, David) of Banana Bread — and it’s quite anti-climactic. So bland.

Ya know, there’s gotta be something so much more than this. I kind’a miss the days when I was a kid and my mom would come and read to me in bed and about the Princess and the Jelly Beans. Actually, I really miss just laying in bed and being read to or cuddled (not curdled) and rocked and stuff.

But tomorrow’s another day filled with more fun and exciting programming and musicals and sad banana bread (hmm… one of these things is not like the others.) I just am ready to be out of this. Ya know?

Yuna: 2002 – 2006

Today is a sad day. I don’t think I can say more than that to express what has happened.

Yuna is my cat – but as was obvious today – was so much more than a cat. She was like my kid. And she has not been well, particularly since October. Her condition worsened significantly this weekend, and I had her put to sleep today.

That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. I felt like I totally betrayed her because she had no say in the matter. I know it was necessary, but I feel it was a terribly shitty thing to do to someone who has been in my life for four years, watched me kill relationship after relationship, pass stone after stone. And today I watched and cried as she went to sleep. David came with me, thank God. I don’t know that I could have done it alone. And David has always been a great source of comfort, so I’m happy he offered to go. There are obvious reasons why he’s my best friend.

I came home to an empty house tonite. It’s hard. It’s quiet. And it’s minus Yuna, which is devastating to me, and I feel a major void. I will miss Yuna very much.

Thank you all who have supported me with Yuna over the past years through advice, donations, and general affection. I appreciate it greatly, and I’m sure Yuna does too.

mid-january bluster

So here it is — January 15. 15 days into 2006, time goes so fast — but seriously, it seems like at times, particularly when I look at the time that has passed between now and Christmas … it’s DRAGGED by, and it keeps going slower and slower like it’s a rubber band that’s stretched out almost to its limit, ready to — at any minute — pop back and take your eye out.

I don’t understand life most of the time. I don’t understand why things happen the way they do – why we meet the people we do – why we make the mistakes we do. People say it’s to make us stronger, better people, better suited to handle the shit that life throws in future days. And I know it sounds like I’m being pessimistic or have a tone of azure bitterness (woooo, i’m poetic), but I … I dunno. It’s not bitterness. I just want to understand something for once in my life. Understand why things happen.

I’m sitting at my computer, just as I always do, in this sorta nostalgic, pensive state of mind. Frustrated at not getting what I want, almost to a point of admitting defeat. And I stop and realize that, ya know, we all — everyone of us — in some fashion take a lot of shit. It just rains down on us list the most bitingly cold winter rain, every drop stinging and individually felt. And there are times where you’re certain that those frozen drops will leave permanent damage, if not visible scarring.

I haven’t been blogging lately, I know. A few things have been happening as of late — since Christmas anyway. I met a boy named Peter and we’ve had four very nice dates with hopefully more to come. That was a most welcome chess piece to move in the start of the new year. I’ve been studying a lot in the evenings for my Flash certification which I hope to take mid-February (for the Flash Developer certificate, not Designer, that will likely come in March). I have had some teeth problems … I’ve always had teeth problems. But now my family has so lovingly (my appreciation absolutely cannot be expressed enough) offered to help me pay for it all. It will have such a profound impact on me. I’ve had terrible teeth for as long as I can remember, and I’m about to have a new smile … I can’t even imagine what it will be like.

I’ve also started with my Lamictal again … and I’m now on the 100mg dosage, and I expect things to continue as they have been, particularly once my teeth are complete. So I’m feeling much more stable and grounded, a brilliant feeling if there ever was one. I still think there are some changes coming, and I’m nervous but excited as to what those may be.

And in the meantime, I hope everyone’s got enough coats and umbrellas to keep that frozen rain at bay.

Total BSIT

Finally. The day of triumph has arrived. Today is my FIRST day of being an educated fool — my first day of not having to go to school because I have finally finished my fucking bachelor’s degree in IT from the University of Phoenix Online.

There are a number of things I’ve learned while being at UoP. Like, my writing skills are significantly higher than a majority of the people I was in class with (meaning I can actually write complete sentences and don’t include words like “sorta” in important work. — I was seriously amazed at the level of writing skills that some of these people had.) I’ve learned that I have absolutely no interest in networking, data transfer, and internet protocols. I learned that I can do programming if I have plenty of time to work on it and access to someone who can help me when I get stuck. LOL I reconfirmed that my design skills far exceed those of my classmates. (Although the degree wasn’t graphically oriented, but still. Superior. LOL)

And now that I’m educated, I should have more free time. Time to dedicate to Option9 and work on that stuff. And maybe date someone. …

Anyway, this is a really good way to start off the new year. A definite step in the right direction — just glad it’s OVER.

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